“You Shall Not Commit Adultery”
Exodus 20:14
Rev. Clark Lynn Callender, 10/24/10
If you were asked to define what MARRIAGE is, how would you answer? Well, one simple philosopher has suggested the following – he says: “Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm for you, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold for them.”
Not bad. And most married couples can probably relate! But, perhaps, more directly to the point, another person says: “Marriage is the art of falling in love over and over again, always with the same person.”
Marriage – the art falling in love, over and over again with the same person. This is something of what I’d like to talk about this morning...
Today, in our on-going study of the Ten Commandments, we arrive at the “juicy, R-rated” portion of the law – we turn to consider the topic of marriage; this being part of the series of final commandments in which God focuses our attention around how we properly live-out some of the most basic, common experiences of human life: Two weeks ago, the topic was FAMILY. Last week, it was LIFE AND DEATH. Next week – PROPERTY. And this week - MARRIAGE. And what is the one piece of instruction God offers regarding this subject? “You Shall not commit adultery.”
Now, as with last week’s commandment, in the original Hebrew this is just two words: “NO ADULTERY” – very clear, and obviously very good advice – that is: A married person is not to have intimate relations with anyone besides their spouse. As the old saying goes: “Marriages are like diets - they can be ruined by having a little dish on the side.”
Perfect instruction. Yet still, if you could offer only one piece of advice on the subject of marriage, one of the human bonds central to civilization, would this be it? Does this sum up all that needs to be said about having a happy, healthy marriage? Why has God singled this out to be the one thing said on the subject here? What is this really all about?
Well, as with the discussion of the Sixth Commandment last week, I believe the secret to understanding this Seventh Commandment is to be found in looking to our Savior’s reflection upon it, taking our cue from him. Jesus said:
As with last week’s discussion, we see that Jesus takes the commandment and pushes it to the extreme. Once again, he makes the point that it is possible to keep the letter of the law (that is, not commit any physical act); and yet still to break entirely the INTENT of the law. And for him, it would always seems, whether the act is committed in thought or deed, the intent is the real issue that must be addressed because this is what drives the whole thing. And to get to this, Jesus once again tries to push us to see what’s going on in our HEARTS.
In so doing, I believe, he reveals that the act of adultery can illuminate some of the primary issues at stake not only in human relationships in general, but in SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE in particular – and this is what I would like to look at...
(I)
The first issue that adultery brings to our attention is the need (in any healthy relationship, any healthy marriage) for MUTUALITY. Consider the illustration Jesus uses for the potential adulterer:
He talks about a person “lusting (after another) in their heart.” (The famous line that poor old Jimmy Carter was never able to live down!) What is the foundation of such desire, whether acted upon or not – what starts is going?
At its most basic level, it’s a preoccupation with SELF. This is what one is saying in lust: “I want that! I!” One is looking at someone else; but the focus is solely on one’s SELF! Adultery, in other words, is first a form of SELFISHNESS: One is concerned not with what happens to anyone else, not at all with what one might offer them; one is concerned only about what one wants to GET. And this can occur in any marriage, even if there are never any instances of actual adultery – and it’s always the sign of a troubled marriage - the damage, though present in more subtle ways, being just as bad: Focusing oneself solely on GETTING NOT GIVING. On what you get out of the relationship. Think of it this way:
Comedian Tim Allen says that, when he was growing up, his mother used to tell him that the only reason why men were put on this earth was “for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” That’s all you get, their only value.
Conversely, many men believe that the only reason why their wives exist is to cook and clean for them, and to make their life wonderful! It’s like the divorced woman, who when questioned as to why we she and her husband separated, replied: “The grounds of our divorce was religious differences. He believed he was God, and I didn’t.”
Have you ever heard the story of the man who, one day, on his commute home from work read a book entitled, Man of the House? Newly enlightened by his reading, the man stormed into the house to confront his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law. Tonight you are to prepare me a gourmet meal and a sumptuous dessert. Then, when I’m done eating, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can have a relaxing soak. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to lay out my clothes and comb my hair?” His wife replied, “My guess is the funeral director.”
This whole preoccupation with ourselves – with what we get out of our relationships. The first sign of a bad marriage: No mutuality – no give and take. The couple not continually working out the rules of the exchange and each striving to abide by them. Rather, simply each out for themselves, everybody trying to take, to get... the first issue that adultery brings to our attention.
What is the goal of your relationships, your marriage, to you: Get or give. Are you more concerned with what you receive or with what you can offer? When was the last time you gave – gave to your spouse, purely what would make their life better? Mutuality – equality – not one person giving, the other person taking; but both giving and taking, giving and receiving.
You know, it has been said that the four most important words in any marriage are these: “I’ll do the dishes.” When was the last time you did something for your spouse? Author Gary Chapman, in his book The Five Love Languages, writes:
“One of the things I do for my wife regularly as an act of love is to vacuum the floors. Do you think that vacuuming floors comes naturally for me? My mother used to make me vacuum. All through junior high and high school, I couldn’t go play ball on Saturday until I finished vacuuming the entire house. In those days, I said to myself, ‘When I get out of here, one thing I am not going to do: I am never going to vacuum houses.
“But I vacuum our house now, and I vacuum it regularly. And there is only one reason I vacuum our house: Love. You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum a house, but I do it for love – because I know how much it helps my wife out. You see, when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. My wife knows that when I vacuum the house, it’s nothing but 100 percent pure, unadulterated love...”
MUTUALITY – Giving not just taking.
(II)
Related to this then, the second issue that this commandment raises is the issue of SUPPORT for one another. You know, this prohibition against adultery then brings to our attention is the great danger of OBJECTIFYING other people. Once again, returning to Jesus’ reflection on the subject:
When one lusts after another person, one is not only thinking only of one’s own wants, one’s self; one is also seeing that other person as a “THING” – not a full human being; but simply something wanted: an OBJECT.
Notice that Jesus doesn’t say that if you simply find someone attractive that you’ve sinned. Recognizing the attractiveness of another person is normal and natural – it’s part of the drive that draws us to our mate. The issue is simply what you do with that and where it takes you! Think of it this way:
There is an old story that’s told of two Buddhist monks walking in a drenching thunderstorm. They came to a stream, and it was swollen out of its banks. A beautiful young woman stood there wanting to get to the other side but was afraid of the currents. In characteristic Buddhist compassion, one of the monks said, “Can I help you?” The woman said, “I need to cross this stream.” The monk picked the beautiful young woman up, carried her through the water, and put her down on the other side. He and his companion then continued on their journey.
After about two miles of walking in complete silence, suddenly the second monk stopped and said to his companion, “I have a bone to pick with you. As Buddhist monks, we have taken vows not to look on a woman, much less touch her body. Back there by the river you did both. I can’t believe you held that beautiful young woman!”
To this the first monk replied, “My brother, I put that woman down two miles ago, why are you still carrying her?”
Recognizing the attractiveness of another person is normal and natural – the issue is what you do with that, whether or not you “keep carrying” it! That is, the problem occurs when attraction is nurtured and fostered, allowed to turn into a DESIRE for another – a “lust” (from the verb “to devour”): that is: you desire to posses and consume them. They are merely a “thing” to you – an OBJECT.
And what’s the problem here? Well, if something is merely an object to us, what does that do to how we feel about it? We don’t really care about it, and thus we can easily, and in good conscience MISTREAT it. Just think about how this destructive objectifying of other people can play itself out in many ordinary events of day life – for example:
In the social world it stands at the heart of such all too common occurrences of sexual harassment in the workplace, date rape, and the so-called extramarital “casual affair” (an oxymoron if there ever was one) whose justification is always: “It didn’t mean anything.” Which, if true, actually means more!
All of these are based on objectification: The DE-HUMANIZATION of another human being. Don’t see another person as a real, full human being; rather, just as a “thing” for oneself. Once you’ve done that, the rest is easy, you’re free to do as you like, because WHO CARES?!
Sadly, this same kind of thing often happens right within many marriages. The extreme example being the abuser who views their spouse only as their property, an object which they can treat as they desire; but, of course, similar kinds of things can also take place in many much more ordinary, un-noticeable ways – for instance:
Do you want to know what the most common, and most difficult to resolve, marital problem there is? It’s when one of the person in the marriage CHANGES – something about them becomes different from who they have been – new values, new goals, new expectations.
What frequently happens in such cases is that the partner of this person becomes upset. Why? Because, to them, it appears as though their partner has “broken the rules” of their marriage: “He/she is not who I married!” Translation: “They’re not who I think they should be!”
The inverse of this, its “mirror image” if you will, being the person who marries somebody expecting – indeed, even planning – on changing them: “Oh, I know he’s a slob; but I can change him.” “Oh, I know she wants to have her own career, but she’ll change her mind once the kids come along. “Oh, I know that the treats me badly, sometimes even hurts me; but my love will turn him around!”
What’s the old saying: “Most people spend half their life constantly trying to change their spouse, and the other half constantly complaining that their spouse is not the person they married”? Objectification – the other person not totally real; but rather, a “thing” we want only on our terms not theirs.
Simply put: Do you want to know if you have a good relationship – married or otherwise? Ask yourself: Does this person see me as a complete human being, see greatness in me? Do they want to hold me back or do they want the best for me? Do they encourage that, support that, work for that, even if it may cause some difficulty for them? Do I seek the same for them? Good relationships bring out the best in each person. The participants are not objects, but living, breathing human beings. Supporting each other’s humanity and growth. Consider the following true story:
Many years ago, a writer had written a manuscript for a book, and had sent it to several publishers without success. He grew so discouraged that he threw the manuscript into the wastepaper basket. His wife, who believed greatly in him and knew this was just a momentary frustration, tried to salvage the manuscript, but he told her sternly: “We’ve wasted enough time on it. I forbid you to remove it from the wastebasket!”
Undeterred, she decided to show the manuscript to at least one more publisher. When she arrived at that publisher’s office, she pulled out the most unusual looking proposal that the publisher had ever received. Underneath a wrapping of brown paper was a wastepaper basket still holding the writer’s manuscript. This way, she reasoned, she was not technically going against her husband’s wishes. She did not remove the manuscript from the wastebasket the publisher did it for her. And when he read it, he loved it.
The writer in this story? Norman Vincent Peale, and the manuscript was The Power of Positive Thinking. The book that Peale tossed in the trashcan eventually sold 30 million copies. His wife believed in him, wanted him to grow and move and live, and she supported that, even at risk to her own relationship.
Does your partnership nurture growth or stagnation? Do you objectify and hold back one another for yourself; or support and encourage life? Second issue: SUPPORT.
(III)
From this then, the third issue that is raised here being the prime importance of SOLIDARITY within a marriage.
This, of course, is the very heart of this commandment. At its most basic level it’s about the fact that marriage, at its core, is two people joined to each other and NO OTHER. This the primary human relationship for them. As it says in the book of Genesis in the description of the first marriage:
Marriage is about LEAVING and CLINGING. That is, for the married person it’s about making all other human relationships secondary to one’s relationship with one’s spouse: leaving all others and clinging to this one person. Not that one doesn’t have other relationships, other interests, that’s part of being a healthy, well-rounded individual; it’s just a question of ORDER: What takes PRIORITY? Adultery, of course, being, in its most basic definition: a DIVIDING of this joining. A SUBDIVISION of this union.
You see, this is exactly where a lot of couples unknowingly fall into trouble in their marriages – they never commit any formal act of adultery, but their marriages are destroyed, just the same, by the INTENT of adultery. That is, they allow other people, other issues, to take PROMINENCE OVER their relationship with their spouse. For some it’s their work, for others it’s the kids, for still others it’s other family members, parents, friends...
Ironically, for many it’s just being so busy out trying to create a perfect marriage: beautiful house, secure retirement, every possible activity for the children – that they lose track of their spouse in the process! The person they’re actually married to becomes secondary to creating the perfect marriage!
Too many married people allow themselves to choose too many other things before their spouse and thus their marriages are in trouble. The main thing that many people choose being their original families – their parents over their spouse. It always causes trouble. It’s like the old joke about the two cannibals who had just finished a meal and one of them is holding his stomach in pain. The other cannibal asks, “What’s the matter?” To which the first cannibal replies, “Well, I just ate my mother-in-law and she still doesn’t agree with me!”
It never goes well!
In once knew a guy whose mother and wife just could not get along. The classic mother-in-law routine. The two women were always at each other’s throats, they disagreed on everything. And in every argument, you know who the husband sided with? With his mother – with “mommy”. Well guess what happened? Surprise, surprise... One day he woke up DIVORCED! He wasn’t making his spouse his primary union – he wasn’t choosing her first!
It’s like... You hear a lot of married people nowadays carrying on relationships with other people ON LINE. Playin’ with fire! They say, “It’s okay. It’s just talk.” But curiously, many having more personal, intimate conversations by computer than they’re having with their own spouse. Let’s be clear: This adultery, plain and simple, because such people are choosing someone else to be closer to their heart than their spouse. That’s what adultery is ultimately about, even without any physical act – it’s INTIMACY.
Basically, a lot of people have trouble in their marriages because when they “get to the party” they don’t “dance with the one they came with”! They spend all their time dancing with everybody else! If you want a successful marriage YOU DANCE WITH THE ONE WHO BRUNG YA!
Simply put: Marriage is a choice. It’s the only relationship within your family that is a choice. You don’t choose your parents, you don’t choose your kids... You don’t choose your siblings, your grandparents, aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, in-laws… third cousins twice removed! You get what you get. Marriage is the only pure choice within a family and thus it only exists as long as you make that choice. It is two people saying to one another: “Out of a world full of people I choose you. It’s two people choosing one another. Most marriages fall apart because the participants choose other things.
To have a great marriage, you have to always remember that love you have to CHOOSE IT - constantly. Every day, in some way, CHOOSE ONE ANOTHER. Realize it is a choice you have to be continually making or it will all be taken away.
Understand, there are moments in marriage where you are so in love with one another you think your heart is going to burst. Conversely, however, let’s be honest: There will also be those times when you look across the kitchen table and wonder, “What on earth was I thinking?!”
The point being: the feeling ebbs and flows; but that’s not what true love is. True love is a CHOICE – as the great C.S. Lewis says: “Love is not a feeling but a determined act of will.” Love is a choice that carries you through the low times in order to keep lifting you to ever higher times!
Every day, in some way, choose one another: In some small act of kindness. In some profound act of personal sacrifice. Choose one another over all other relationships. Choose one another over work. Choose one another over money. Choose one another over getting your way. Choose one another over winning the argument. Chose one another – over and over again. Don’t just make this a one-time choice; make this an ALL-TIME CHOICE!
You know, the story is told of a young couple who, one day, were visiting with an older couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. “Fifty years!” the young husband exclaimed, “That is a long time to be married to one person.” The old gentleman looked over at his wife with love in his eyes and said, “It would have been a lot longer without her.”
A great marriage, a great love - created by continually choosing each other - over and over again, day by day by day. Which more often happens for you: Do other issues decide your marriage, or does your marriage decide other issues? Are you choosing your spouse above all others? Are you a team?
SOLIDARITY. Which leads us into our fourth and final issue here...
(IV)
ROMANCE.
Do you know that, according to Harlequin publishing house, which has been in the romance business for half a century, more than 180 million romance novels are purchased each year, with Harlequin itself selling, on average, five-and-a-half books per second?!
People are desperate for romance. And this is my final point here: As with last week, the commandment before us stated NEGATIVELY – something we are NOT to do; but that is not its sole meaning. That is, God is not simply telling us something we are NOT to do; he is trying to tell us what we SHOULD do. So what is the positive restatement of our commandment today? Well, the commandment essentially says: “Don’t romance other people!” So what’s the reverse? ROMANCE YOUR SPOUSE.
So many couples finally fail to do this, they take each other for granted, they neglect the relationship, and, if not having their marriages actually fall apart, at the very least their marriages are not what they should be! As a young child once said: “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you do mean it, you should say it a lot because people forget.”
“If you mean it, you should say it a lot because people forget.” Romance your spouse! Say, “I love you;” hold hands, go on dates. And by this I don’t mean as someone once sarcastically said: “My wife and I have a great marriage because every week we reserve two nights to go out to dinner and then take a quiet walk on the beach. Her night is Tuesday... and mine is Friday!”
No! Romance each other not yourself! Basically, returning to where we began: “Marriage is about falling in love over and over again, with the same person.” Have you taken time today to fall in love again with your spouse? To remember what draws you to them – not to just be hung up on what problems you’re having with them right now; but to remember why you love them; and to then express this that you see to them – show them, tell them? How can you do that, today? How do they most need to hear it, see it?
Joni Eareckson Tada, who was paralyzed in a diving accident as a teenager, reflects on her wedding day, and what she learned that day – and she writes:
“I felt awkward as my girlfriends strained to shift my paralyzed body into a cumbersome wedding gown. No amount of corseting and binding gave me a perfect shape. The dress just didn’t fit well. Then, as I was wheeling into the church, I glanced down and noticed that I’d accidentally run over the hem of my dress, leaving a greasy tire mark. My paralyzed hands couldn’t hold the bouquet of daisies that lay off-center on my lap. And my chair, though decorated for the wedding, was still a big, clunky gray machine with belts, gears, and ball bearings. I certainly didn’t feel like the picture-perfect bride in a bridal magazine.
“I inched my chair closer to the last pew to catch a glimpse of my fiancé Ken in front. And there he was, standing tall and stately in his formal attire. And I noticing him looking for me, craning his neck as far as he could to look up the aisle. He couldn’t wait to see me! My face flushed, and I suddenly couldn’t wait to be with him. The love in Ken’s face had washed away all my feelings of unworthiness. I was his pure and perfect bride. He still looks at me that way and try to I see myself in his eyes and to see him the same way. It’s how Christ, the model of love, sees us – reflected, in our best moments, in our marriages.”
Someone once said: “It takes two people to make a successful marriage; but only one to make it a failure. The Seventh Commandment – God trying to lead us into great marriages through sharing, and supporting, and choosing, and romancing. Will we listen and be truly blessed?
“You shall not commit adultery.”
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