Honor Your Father and Your Mother

God’s Top Ten List, V:
“Honor Your Father and Your Mother”
Exodus 20:12
Rev. Clark Lynn Callender, 10/10/10

Have you ever noticed how your perspective on things often changes over time, as your situation, your place in life, shifts... particularly as you grow older and, perhaps, come to see some of the wisdom of your elders that you dismissed in your youth?
Mark Twain once made the following observation of his own life – he said: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at just how much the old guy had learned in those 7 years!”
The commandment we are studying this morning is much like this. “Honor your father and your mother...” When I first learned this as a boy it seemed the most one-sided, unfair rule I had ever heard. Yet now that I’m a parent, I don’t know... It seems to have a real nice “ring” to it!

The Fifth Commandment. With this we begin the concluding series of six laws all of which directly address our TREATMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Having laid the foundation of our relationship with God we now turn to the issue of our relationship to others – as Jesus taught us: All the Law can be summed up in two basic teachings: Love God with all. And love your neighbor as yourself.
Well, of course, as soon as we even just begin to get into the whole issue of our interaction with others, problems arise. This is a commandment which traditionally causes a fair amount of confusion and grief. It is a commandment that creates a sort-of unspoken TENSION...
To begin with, as already hinted at, there is simply the IMBALANCE of this law. That is, in the parent-child relationship, this commandment only makes a demand of the child; nothing appears to be asked of the parent! (And remember, when I use the word “child” I don’t necessarily mean a YOUNG person. I mean a person of any age in relation to their parents. No matter how old we are, we are still our parent’s children! This commandment is addressed to “children” of all ages!)
So then, within this commandment there is this inherent imbalance – the onus being entirely on the child, while nothing seems to be required of the parent. And here’s where the real problem kicks in, namely:
What happens when the PARENTS ARE NO GOOD?
Not everyone has the good fortune of growing up in a “happy home;” many, in fact, sadly, are raised in situations where one or both of their parents are downright evil! What do you do about that?! This commandment demands from every child a certain relationship with their parents, seemingly regardless of their parent’s behavior. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, no explanations, no qualifications, no exemptions are put forward!
What are we to make of this?
Remember, even the best of parents can (and commonly do) make serious mistakes – as the old saying goes: “If raising a family was easy they wouldn’t have called the start of it labor.” It’s tough, we all make mistakes; and we do ourselves a great disservice if we approach this commandment simply from the standpoint of applying it to some idealized, rosy, fantasy image of parenting!
So, before we get down to what this commandment says, I believe we first need to take a moment to consider what it DOESN’T SAY. As with all the commandments, what they don’t say is as important as what they do; and we get ourselves into all sorts of trouble if we’re not clear on this!
Does this commandment say that a person must OBEY their parents? NO! I realize this is the way this commandment is quite frequently interpreted, and the way all parents would like to apply it (!); yet notice that God says nothing here about obedience. That’s a whole other topic! Sorry parents!
Does this commandment say that a person must RESPECT their parents? Once again, this is quite often the way this is understood and applied; yet once again, the answer is NO. As we will see, the word “honor” here is not (despite our common usage) INTERCHANGEABLE with the notion of respect. And, in point of fact, we already know this from our own experience:
Respect is something that cannot be demanded, it can only be earned. In this manner, it is therefore possible to honor someone WITHOUT RESPECTING them. For instance: A person holding political office. It is possible to honor the authority of that office and yet fail to respect the person holding that office. (But then, that’s a crazy illustration because who ever heard of not respecting a politician?!)
Finally, does this commandment say that a person must LOVE their parents? Once again, NO.
Quite frankly, due to a whole variety of circumstances, many people unfortunately grow up never loving one, or both, of their parents. And, quite naturally, they will feel GUILTY about this – like there’s something wrong with them. And as if this wasn’t bad enough, they read this commandment and then also tend to imagine some pressure from God commanding them to love their parents. Yet note that this commandment never says that one MUST LOVE their parents – or even like them. This is, of course, the greatest hope; yet, once again, such things cannot be commanded!
So then, this is what this commandment does not say; but what does it say to us?
(I)
Well, to begin with, this commandment, most obviously, in its broadest sense, proclaims the CENTRALITY (that is, the prime importance) OF FAMILY – not only within one’s life in general; but, most particularly, within one’s life WITH GOD. Note that this is the FIRST SUBJECT God raises in turning to the complicated issue of our relationship to other people. And remember, all the Ten Commandments are ultimately a means of expressing one’s relationship with God – this fifth one, dealing with family, being no different. Now think about that...
We all know that our families (regardless of their structure – and, despite, what many may say, there is no one set structure that defines a family...) play a key role, THE KEY ROLE, in the creation of WHO WE ARE as individuals: It is within our families where we first learn our values, first practice social behavior, and so forth. We all know this. But do we also generally recognize that how our families operate (or fail to operate) also creates much of WHO GOD IS to us (or is NOT to us!)? For example:
Let’s say there’s a person who grows up with a father who is absent, or who is always too busy with other “more important” things to give them any time, or who is just a child-support check in the mail (or a child-support check NOT in the mail), or who is downright abusive – physically or emotionally... When this person comes to church and is instructed to pray, “Our FATHER, who art in heaven...” What do you think goes through their mind? Do you think they want to have anything to do with this God? Of course not!
Now this may be an extreme example; but it makes the point that we don’t take the ordinary everyday messages we are sending one another – most particularly as a FAMILY – seriously enough! In this commandment, God is saying first: FAMILY IS CRUCIAL – out of this everything grows (or dies), how it operates creates much of one’s relationship with God. And as we’ve seen over the past few weeks: The nature of one’s relationship with God is what alone ultimately makes or breaks one’s whole life! We have to pay close attention to this at all times!
Thus, while (as noted) this commandment appears directed only at the children; we can see that truly the responsibility rests just as much, if not more, with the PARENTS: This commandment does not exist in a vacuum – it’s set within the framework of EVERYONE being expected to be keeping all ten! Basically, for the parents who seek the obedience, respect, and love this commandment does not require; are they living the type of Godly lives that produce such things?
That is, the children are instructed by God to “honor” their parents; but the “Godly parent,” knowing this realizes that he or she must then live “HONORABLY” – for God’s sake! And this applies not only to the so-called “religious stuff”: like going to church, and saying grace at mealtime; but almost even more to all the everyday, ordinary activities of family life:
The parents who never let their children see them working through any difference – parents who themselves maybe never do try to work through any differences, or who only show moments of yelling and anger; tend to create children FEARFUL OF CONFLICT – thus WEAK IN FAITH: They’re afraid to every really question or doubt anything. Fearful to ever disagree and have differences. Conflict is bad, painful, and anger-filled.
The family where mistakes are constantly brought up and never forgotten; tends to know an UNFORGIVING God.
The homes where no achievement is ever quite good enough, where disappointment and criticism and correction are permitted to outweigh and overshadow praise and satisfaction and gratitude; tends to create an UNLOVING, JUDGMENTAL God – a God for whom nothing is ever enough.
While conversely...
The home where spills are laughed at more often than yelled at; knows an UNDERSTANDING God.
The family where at least one meal every day is shared together around a common table, not everyone always off on their own; knows a God who HAS TIME FOR YOU.
The parents who, when their child asks for milk, occasionally brings them chocolate milk as a surprise; creates a God who is BETTER THAN EXPECTED!
The incredible power of all that every day, family “stuff”! As someone once said: “The words spoken over the dinner table say far more about who God is than all the words spoken in prayer.”
Everything we do as families ultimately expresses our relationship with God. Are we paying close enough attention to this? Do we recognize that we may very well be, continually, making or breaking whole lives – the lives around us – every day? The text first challenges us: In our families are we helping or hindering one another on to God? Are we living the teachings of Christ in our homes – or is this, sadly, where we are least Christian? How can we help those we love on to God today? Author Dick Innes writes:
“When my boys were little, I would tuck them into bed every night, say their prayers with them, and speak positive affirmations to them... affirmations such as, ‘I am so proud of you,’ ‘I’m so glad God sent you to be a part of our family,’ etc., etc. I used to whisper these affirmations in their ear when they were asleep. I don’t know if it helped, but I knew it wouldn’t hurt and maybe, just maybe it might record the message in their unconscious mind to help reinforce the fact that they were very much wanted and loved.
“When my youngest son, Mark, was about nine I crept into his bedroom early one morning. I was certain he was asleep... because he looked like an angel! I quietly leaned over and whispered in his ear, ‘O beloved of the Lord.’ As quick as a flash he spun his head around and, in the darkness of the room, looking upward, said without a moment’s hesitation, ‘Is that you God?’ When I regained my composure, I whispered back in his ear, ‘No, it’s not God, but God sent me to tell you that.’ And in that moment, I realized just how often, for him, my voice is speaking for God – and the sacred trust that truly is.”
This commandment first reminds us of the CENTRALITY OF FAMILY in all our relationships with God.
(II)
From this, then, this commandment secondly tells us that OUR FAMILIES, by their very design, WILL HAVE PROBLEMS! That is, it points toward the STRUGGLE OF FAMILY.
This, of course, is the whole premise of the commandment: That within all families there are troubles – TENSIONS. Most notably between the GENERATIONS – differences and separations between parents and children, each “chafing” at each other. If such problems were not common, not normal and natural to all families, then God wouldn’t have had to provide a commandment regarding it; but God did, and in that we can find a great deal of comfort and instruction...
First of all, it should COMFORT us by letting us know that if we are having some sort of problem in our family, there’s nothing abnormal about that; and we can be assured that God is aware of such things, understands them, even expects them, and is acting to address them.
Secondly, even more, this should then INSTRUCT us by hinting that, perhaps, if we can try to be even just a bit more aware and understanding and expecting of such problems as God is; we can also then be able to address them properly in some fashion as God does. My father once taught me a great lesson on exactly this – without his even knowing it. What happened is this:
As hard as it is believe, when I was younger, most notably when I was a teenager; I had long, thick, flowing BLOND HAIR! Well, at one point, my hair was very long – all the way down to my shoulders. Now, my father was not too pleased by this; but I’ll never forget what he told me one day – he said: “You know, I really don’t like your hair that long; but I remember that, when I was your age, I always wanted to have hair longer than my father would allow me to have, so go ahead and grow it whatever length you want.”
Little did I know, at the time, that he would eventually have the last laugh: For I now wear my hair exactly like my father! {bald}
But you see, my father handled that situation perfectly because he REMEMBERED – that is: He was aware of, and understanding of, and expecting of family TENSION. He didn’t have some fantasy image of family, as so many people do – where everyone always agrees, no problems... No, he knew that tension and difference defines family just as much as peace and happiness does! And what he ultimately knew was that how he handled this was KEY.
He took a tension between us and turned it into a moment that made us closer. How? By knowing what isn’t worth fighting over, by remembering his own experiences, by letting me be myself; and most importantly: By GIVING OF HIMSELF to the relationship not just demanding from it.
The second theme of this commandment: A “perfect family” is an oxymoron! There is no such thing! There’s always going to be TENSION: differences, disagreements, failures, injuries. The issue is not IF such things will arise but only HOW WILL WE HANDLE THEM? Do we just insist on our own way, demand only of the other person – in effect become an island unto ourselves; or, as the core of this commandment demands: BE IN RELATIONSHIP with others when there is tension. Most especially: not demand of the other but give of ourselves to them.
Basically, the second challenge in this commandment is this: What tension is there presently within your family – and what are you doing about it? Not what are you demanding someone else do about it; but what are you doing about it? What are you GIVING to the relationship? One author writes:
“There once was a father who became quite disturbed about the length of time his six year old son was taking to get home from school. The father decided he would make the trip to discover for himself how long it should take a small boy to cover the distance. The father settled on 20 minutes but his son was still taking an hour. Finally the father decided to follow his son home one day to see what was taking so long. After the trip, the man said, ‘The 20 minutes I thought reasonable was right, but I failed to consider such important things as a side trip to track down a trail of ants; or an educational stop to watch construction workers fix the street; or the time it took to swing around a half dozen telephone poles; or how much time it took for a boy to get acquainted with two stray dogs and a brown cat.’ ‘In short,’ said the father, ‘I had forgotten what it is really like to be six years old. I let him take some extra time now."
(III)
The centrality of family, the struggle of family... All of which brings us, finally to: What about THIS WHOLE “HONOR” THING?
Well, as noted earlier, the word “honor” here does not mean obey, or respect, or love, It is, in fact, derived for a root word meaning “to MAKE HEAVY.” In other words, in this context, to say that you honor someone is, literally, to “GIVE WEIGHT” to them. The reverse of this, obviously, being literally “to TAKE LIGHTLY.” In other words, what this commandment is telling us is not to “take our parents lightly;” to, instead, “give weight” to them. But what does this mean? Does it mean we’re just supposed to FEED our parents – take them out dinner? Not a bad idea, but actually it really means two things:
First of all, it is an instruction to remember the basic VALUE, first of our parents and then, through them, of all other people – and how life can fall apart when we forget this.
In ancient times, WEIGHT was equated with WORTH. In contrast to our modern, “you can never be too thin” culture, in ancient cultures, heaviness was a sign of PROSPERITY – it was a good thing. If you had enough food to be heavy, you were doing well. Weight was value. A remnant of this type of thinking today being, for example, CURRENCY founded upon the WEIGHT of GOLD.
Using this understanding of “honor”, many scholars contend that what God is really attempting to counter here is the all too common DEVALUATION of parents by their children – particularly as those parents grow older and move from productivity to needing to be provided for. That is, the danger is that each generation will discard its predecessors the instant those predecessors are deemed NO LONGER USEFUL by them, a “burden” – something which we need only look to our modern society to discover is rampant: in families, in a youth-oriented culture, in the church itself! But let us not forget the “promise” of this commandment:

What is the REVERSE of this? By inference: “fail to do this and your days will be short.” Why? Because when we toss aside the generation that came before us we effectively throw away all they have to offer to us – we lose out; and in this, essentially set up the pattern where WE ARE NEXT! That is, “those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.” When we devalue others we effectively devalue ourselves. But when we value them we value us. Think of it this way...
Have you ever heard the story, told by the Brothers Grimm, of “The Old Man and the Bowl”? It goes like this:
There once was a little old man, of trembling hands and feeble eyes, whose uncertain table habits became increasingly offensive to the daughter-in-law with whom he lived, until one day she objected vigorously to her husband, the old man’s son. She and her husband took the fumbling old man to a corner of the kitchen, set him on a stool, and gave him his food in an earthenware bowl. Now he was no longer troubling them by his dribbling food; now the tablecloth was no longer soiled by his trembling behavior.
One day, in his trembling, he dropped the bowl and broke it. Now his son and daughter-in-law ceased even their moderate civility. “If you are a pig,” they said, “you must eat from a trough.” And they made a little wooden trough, and the old man was forced to kneel down in the corner of the kitchen and eat from it.
The pride and joy of this couple’s life was their 4-year-old son. One evening they noticed the boy playing with his blocks in the serious fashion which children often invest in their play. The parents asked him, “What are you making, son? A house? A castle? A Fort?” “No,” the young boy replied with a happy smile, “I’m making a trough for you two to eat out of when I grow up!”
It is most telling that, in saying only one thing here directly about family, God chooses a word that emphasizes not losing sight of the VALUE of our family members to us. For it is exactly around this that most families ultimately FALL APART: More than injuries and failings, it’s when we lose sight of the VALUE of one another – let ourselves forget it, mistreat it, allow other things to take greater value. Are you truly valuing your loved ones? Valuing one another is the heart of family.
When we devalue the generation that came before us the whole thing collapses! We lose the GIFT of what they offered, devalue ourselves, and this leads us into the other way that “honor” as “to give weight to” can be taken, which is as: “to TAKE SERIOUSLY.” That is: the reverse of “to take lightly.”
In effect, the final “punch line” of all of this is that this commandment can finally be simply taken as word of SAGE ADVICE from a God who has “seen it all”, saying: “If you want your life to be good, take your parents – their lives – seriously! Listen to what they say. Study closely what they do, and don’t do, what they did and didn’t do. All the lessons you need to have a great life are there.”
Now this means, first of all, obviously, trying to DO what our parents did RIGHT. You know, it’s amazing how often we miss this. It’s like the old saying: “Many people are so busy trying to give their children what they never had that they forget to give them what they did.” But also, just as importantly, it means that we need to learn from our parent’s MISTAKES – and not repeat them! Once again, it’s amazing how often we miss this!
Have you ever had those moments, as an adult, where you suddenly found yourself doing something exactly like your parents did - what you said you’d never do? Those moments when you realize you’ve turned into your mother or father?!
The person who makes an effort to repeat the good their parents did rightly honors their mother and father – they take the impact of those lives seriously. But the person who allows themselves to repeat the evil their parents did, or who just takes the cop-out for their failings: “It’s the way I was raised; it’s all I know” – they dishonor their parents by not learning from them and moving beyond them – not taking them seriously enough.
In all of this we finally see why God ultimately focused all of the attention solely upon the relationship with our parents: Because this is the FOUNDATION of everything else. This is what unites us all: we may not all be parents but we are all always children. What our parents give us to us – good or bad, and what we choose to make of it – good or bad – creates our world. The first thing one learns in this life is how to be a child of a parent – and from that everything else grows. What are we making of what we’ve learned?
Ask yourself two questions: What is the BEST thing about my parents – and am I living that, offering it to my family and to the world? And what would I CHANGE about my parents – and am I making that change and offering it to my family and to the world? It all begins with that initial child to parent relationship – and what we choose to make of it throughout our lives. The makings of a great life is there – if we will only “honor” it. One author writes:
“We come by business naturally in our family. Each of the seven children in our family worked in our father’s store in Mott, North Dakota, a small town on the prairies. We started working by doing odd jobs like dusting, arranging shelves and wrapping, and later graduated to serving customers. As we worked and watched, we learned that work was about more than survival and making a sale.
“One lesson stands out in my mind. It was shortly before Christmas. I was in the eighth grade and was working evenings, straightening the toy section. A little boy, five or six years old, came in. He was wearing a brown tattered coat with dirty worn cuffs. His hair was straggly, except for a cowlick that stood straight up from the crown of his head. His shoes were scuffed and his one shoelace was torn. The little boy looked poor to me - too poor to afford to buy anything. He looked around the toy section, picked up this item and that, and carefully put them back in their place. Dad came down the stairs and walked over to the boy. My dad’s steel blue eyes smiled and the dimple in his cheek stood out as he asked the boy what he could do for him. The boy said he was looking for a Christmas present to buy his brother. I was impressed that Dad treated him with the same respect as any adult. Dad told him to take his time and look around. He did.
“After about 20 minutes, the little boy carefully picked up a toy plane, walked up to my dad and said, ‘How much for this, Mister?’ ‘How much you got?’ Dad asked. The little boy held out his hand and opened it. His hand was creased with wet lines of dirt from clutching his money. In his hand lay two dimes, a nickel and two pennies - 27 cents. The price on the toy plane he’d picked out was $3.98.
“’That’ll just about do it,’ Dad said as he closed the sale. Dad’s reply still rings in my ears. I thought about what I’d seen as I wrapped the present. When the little boy walked out of the store, I didn’t notice the dirty, worn coat, the straggly hair, or the single torn shoelace. What I saw was a radiant child with a treasure. My father had made that happen.
“As my father walked past me, to get back to work, noticing I had been observing all this, he said to me, ‘Remember son, there’s more to life than making a living.’
“Today I run the store and I have made it my goal to live my father’s lesson – and it has repeatedly blessed me: to not just make a living but to live. Thank-you, dad.”

A philosopher once said: “Many things may change us, many influences may affect us; but in the final analysis, we begin and end with family.”
The Fifth Commandment – God addressing the crucial issue of proper human relationship beginning with the foundational relationship: FAMILY – PARENT AND CHILD.
Family is central. Family is a struggle. Value your parents and live the lessons they taught you - a great life is there!

“Honor your father and your mother,
so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving to you.”